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Monday, January 5, 2015

Step Nine and Three Quarters

The Lord is my constant companion.  I take Him with me wherever I go.  Often times, we walk hand-in-hand.  I have been known to run ahead, especially when I'm excited about something.  But I try not to go too far.  And here's why.  God carries me when I get cranky.  He never complains.  Who else does that?

I think it's okay to give some stuff to God when circumstances get too difficult for me to handle on my own.  I can be practical, although it isn't my natural reflex.  I realize He is very busy, and He's not supposed to do everything.  I take care of the day-to-day business.  I pick my own clothes and look after the kids.  I drive us places.  I mostly just need extra help with the kinks in the road.  The scary and frustrating shit that reminds me I'm not in charge of very much at all.

Illness.  That goes right to God.  When anybody gets sick, I lean on Him immediately.  Yes, I respect doctors, and I trust medicine.  But I like to know that Jesus is on the job behind the scenes, taking special care of the people I love.  My inability to anticipate the outcome often makes me feel like a child.  I want someone to tell me everything will be okay.  Only He can do that.

Confusion is a biggie.  I am reluctant to approach God when I can't figure out what's bothering me.   I can chew on something for days and not recognize what it is.  I forget that He knows what I need before I even ask.  I'm not gonna try to explain how that works because I'm already confused.  Why make it worse?

I just need to remember that if I am disturbed about a situation, it's on me.  I can't blame anybody else.  When I am hurt or upset, I have to look for the reasons within myself.  I must be willing to admit and correct my own mistakes.  These are the only wrongs I can right.

Control is also an issue.  It presents in situations where I find myself waiting for someone to tell or give me something that I think will make me feel better about myself.  I can't just surrender my significance like that, but I do it round the clock. All it takes is one person to suggest that I suck for me to question my own worth.  I can be ridiculously insecure.

Not everybody wants to be my friend.  Of course, my ego is appalled by this possibility.  Still, I do not live in a vacuum.  I have a past and also, a future.  I make the choice to live in the present and work on what I can right now.  When I recognize the simple fact that I can't make everybody like me, I save myself a ton of grief.

I don't always aspire to do the right thing.  Sometimes, I want to act like a baby and behave unkindly toward people who've hurt my feelings.  Sure, I could write about them.  So many of the stories I'm ever gonna tell have already gone down.  At this point, I'm just going through the trash and rinsing them off.

But that wouldn't make me a good writer.  Just a bitch.  And it'd turn my version of the truth into gossip.  So I try to weigh the options of how best to approach sensitive material.  I pray for the courage to write about things that make me uncomfortable, without attempting to adjust what happened so I look better.  And without being mean.  It's not easy, and I don't claim to know exactly what I'm doing.  That's why I pray all the time.

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