Sunday, May 18, 2014

Letter #5: I Wonder

May 18, 2014

Mr. David Sedaris
Little, Brown and Company
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY  10017

Dear Mr. Sedaris:

Desmond bought me a fancy notebook to write in for Mother's Day.  It has Wonder Woman on the cover.  That chick is something else.  I'm flattered that he thought of me when he saw the book in the store, but hers are some pretty big boobs to fill. Wait, I meant boots.

Come to think of it, everything about Wonder Woman is intimidating.  But that costume is really over the top.  How are we supposed to believe she can concentrate on fighting crime in such a skimpy outfit?  I wouldn't be able to do it. I'm too self-conscious.  I'd be sneaking through the city wrapped in a beach towel. I'd pursue only the crooks I could easily run over with my invisible jet.  At least this way, I could stay in the vehicle.  You must admit, that's one boss ride.

I do like the crown she wears, though.  It's simple and seems to do a good job holding back all that brilliant, blue hair.  Sometimes, I wish I long hair, but I've never been particularly astute at knowing how to arrange it into fancy styles.  I much fear I'm as awkward with a blow dryer as I'd be with the Lasso of Truth.  I'd just keep that thing tucked under my armpit as a threat.  Honestly, I prefer lies if folks don't like my ensemble.  Being kind is not a crime.

I can't figure out a curling iron, either.  I can do the right side okay, but the left is so dang willful.  Rory says that most things in nature are not symmetrical - I guess I should give myself a break.  I read somewhere that Uma Thurman has a perfectly symmetrical face and then, I read somewhere else that Ethan Hawke bathes infrequently.  I wonder if that's why they broke up.  I couldn't be with someone who isn't serious about his personal hygiene.  I don't care how great an actor you are. You can't act clean.

I shaved all my hair off for many years, just to bypass the nuisance of fixing it.  I've always felt as though I possess a very nicely shaped head.  I thought this unique quality would set me apart from the rest.  I guess it did, but not in the way I was hoping.  As I've gotten older, I found myself being congratulated a little too often. I didn't think I looked like I had cancer, what with my expressive eyebrows and healthy arm hair, but I could see the worry on well-wishers' faces.  I didn't have the heart to tell them I wasn't a survivor.  I said thank you about a half dozen times, but it just seemed wrong.  So I let it grow.

I was curious to see if it was still brown.  It was.  I colored it immediately.

Yours truly,

Mary Killian

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