Tuesday, February 25, 2014

The One I Love Is Gone...

I called Dr. Korman the next morning and asked if I could come and see him.  He agreed to meet me at the office, right after his last class.  I was waiting for him in the parking lot when he drove up.

"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I don't feel good," I sobbed like a four year old.

We went inside and sat there together in silence.  I guess I was hoping he'd tell me what to say.
"You do realize that I can't tell you what to say," he reminded me.  Well, so much for that.

"I'm sad," I told him.
"I know," he replied.
The minutes dragged.  They moved so slow, I could almost see them.

"I think maybe I'm done."  As soon as the words left my lips, I regretted what I'd said.  It felt like I was jumping off a building in slow motion.
I drove to my first AA meeting that evening.  The people there were nice.  When it was time to introduce ourselves, I could barely say my name without crying.  I compared my situation to each of theirs.  No way, he'd understand what I'm going through.  I'm definitely not like her.  I judged everyone.  The whole while, I kept wondering, How the fuck am I gonna get out of this?

I went home and policed up some of the empty wine bottles and beer cans I'd stashed throughout the house.  Dave held open a trash bag, and I kept filling it. He looked dismayed and somewhat relieved.  "I'm not gonna drink no more," I swore to him.

I waited until he went to bed, and then, I got super high.  As high as I could, short of stroking out.  Everything about it sucked.  My life had officially turned to shit.


The next morning, Dr. Korman called to check on me.
"Did you get to the meeting?" he asked.
"I did."  I was absolutely miserable.  I was the unhappiest girl in the world.  Still, I felt like I did something different for the first time in forever.
"Good.  Go again today.  Look for a sponsor."
"But I don't know anybody."
"It doesn't matter.  They know you," he reassured me.

I hung up the phone and gave myself a boost.  Getting high was really unpleasant without the drink.  Needless to say, I missed the noon meeting but managed to make it to the one at 7:30.  On the way there, I realized that I was coming up on two whole days without being drunk.

I'd been drinking for 20 years.  Daily for at least ten, but more like thirteen.  Every single day, there was a reason to get loaded.  Without fail, I consistently had to put booze inside my body. We needed to be together, and I never questioned why. I didn't want to know. That night at the meeting, it dawned on me.  Holy shit.  It's because I'm an alcoholic.  It was that easy.  One simple admission.

This time when they went around the table, I told everybody my name and said something really important for the very first time.  "I'm Mary, and I'm an alcoholic."  It was the saddest I've ever felt in my whole life.

So I'll sigh, I'll cry.  I'd even wanna die.
For the one I love has gone.

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