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Monday, December 2, 2013

A Scanner Darkly


My memories are perishable.  The older ones are always being replaced by new information.  Inside my conscience, there are layers of thoughtful detail.  This is where I go to reassemble my historical self.  But I can't remember everything.  I only wish I could!

This much I think is true.  The moments I recall vividly are generally those that have provoked more complex emotions.  I piece together images and match them with words that help explain these glimpses of the past.  As both reporter and participant, I try to present myself as palatable without compromising the truth.  The camera always adds ten pounds, and I am a monster of vanity.

Memories exist in the cracks of our minds and between the people with which we share them.  My version of a certain experience will always be different from someone else's because it belongs to me.  My account is neither right nor wrong.  It's merely an understanding of the facts from my point of view.

Not everyone sees things the way that I do.  So I have to be cool, everyday and all year long.  But the holidays are tricky.  Thanksgiving and Christmas are potential powder kegs of unmet expectations.  It's those shared memories that fuck everything up.

I remind myself that for years, I was the empty chair at the table.  That's right. I'm no superhero.  I'm still learning how to live.

I just keep asking myself one question...
What would Robert Downey, Jr. do?

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