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Friday, February 27, 2015

A Message To You, Mary


I think I might be getting better at drinking.  Like maybe I'm learning how to pace myself or something.  I hope so.  I hate when I get too loaded.  I spend all this time looking forward to going somewhere and having fun.  Then I end up with my head in some dirty toilet or laid out on a bed, covered in coats.  It's such a waste of everything.  Money, liquor, time and effort.

I bought some little pills in the back of Cosmopolitan magazine.  They're supposed to help you lose weight and have more energy.  I don't own a scale, but I bet I've lost about fifteen pounds so far.  Most of my clothes are starting to get loose, and everybody tells me how skinny I look.

I wonder what's in these pills.  I take them all the time now.  I'm never hungry, and I don't get nearly as drunk as I used to.  I wish I could afford cocaine more often.  I'd much rather do that instead.  But it's expensive, and I have to pay rent every month.  I'm trying to save enough money so I can have the phone connected. My friends get in touch with me at my job, but the receptionist doesn't like when she has to switch over too many personal calls.

Jason left for San Antonio, Texas three weeks ago, and I miss him.  I've written three times so far, and I got a letter back, just yesterday.  He says Basic Training is really hard.  You have to wake up at dawn and exercise like crazy.  You need to straighten your bed a certain way or you'll get into trouble.  They make sure you keep all of your toiletries super clean, right down to the cap on your toothpaste. The whole thing sounds terrible.

It sucks having a boyfriend who's not around.  I haven't seen any of Jason's friends since he went away either.  They're so nice.  I suppose they're my friends too, but I don't drive and they're all in Queens.  So much for that, I guess.  I get invited to tons of parties here in the neighborhood, though.  Coke is everywhere all of a sudden, and it's absolutely nuts.  The whole weekend, I'm running around like a maniac.  But come Monday, I'm always broke, depressed and starving.  I could eat your arm.

That's one of the reasons I like these pills so much.  I can pop a few in the morning and get right to whatever I need to do.  By lunchtime, I'm not even hungry or tired anymore.  I take a couple more, and I'm ready for drinks after work.  I can just keep going.  It's awesome.

Plus something weird happened recently.  I went to a barbecue and maybe got a little too drunk, too soon.  By the time we all chipped in for blow, I was already pretty sloppy.  I managed to do a few lines but couldn't seem to right myself.  I really needed to leave.  This guy I met said he'd walk me home.  He's somebody's brother or cousin.  I can't remember.

I guess we started making out.  I kind of recall getting sick in the street along the way.  The next thing I knew, we were back in my apartment.  And he was banging into me from behind while I threw up in a garbage can.  That's never happened to me before, where I've lost time and can't fill in the gaps.  When I woke up again, he was gone.  And I haven't seen him since.

I'm glad.  I don't think I wanted to be with him, but he definitely didn't force me. Like I said, it was weird.  I feel strange and uneasy about the whole thing.  I wish Jason was home.  It's not like I'm gonna tell him or anything, but I definitely prefer the security of being with someone.  I get a little nervous when I'm out by myself.  I just want to concentrate on the fun.

That's why I think the pills are really helping.

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