Wednesday, January 7, 2015

The Virtue of Disclosure

I am uncomfortable writing about Jason, so that's why I generally don't.  As I continue to record my experiences and build a timeline of events, I really should include him.  I suppose I have to get over whatever my problem is, so I can move on to other topics.  It would be great to perceive our involvement as having been something useful and constructive.  That is the best approach, and I guess I can do it.  I just don't always feel like it.

Jason and I were married, and we did have a baby together.  That's a pretty big deal. Kirin is 28 years old.  He currently has no contact with either of us.  That is his choice.  I do not even know where he lives.  For all the years we fought over that child, we are left only with our memories.  And we deal with them on our own.

How I wish the situation were different, but Kirin is an adult.  He is accountable for his decisions, as I am for mine.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about him.  I love my son dearly.  I have to get on with things, though.

Jason is a decent man, but we are not friends.  He has become a footnote in my story, a piece of historical information at the bottom of the page.  My relationship with him definitely served a purpose in my life, but I'm ashamed of my behavior.  I was such a jerk to him.

I didn't like how Jason scolded me.  I saw him as the villain.  This tactic took the focus off looking at myself and taking any responsibility for what I was doing.  He was just a young guy with a kid to take care of.  And he got nothing but problems from me.

Quite honestly, I prefer to communicate with Jason's wife.  Samantha is a lovely woman.  When I was using, I thought for sure she was out to get me, as well.  He and I haven't actually spoken in several years.  Except for the occasional text here and there, it's been quiet.

Have you heard anything?

No.  I was hoping you might have.

The last time we exchanged words, Jason seemed just as frustrated as he always has been.  It's curious that we've ended up in the same place, as far as our son is concerned.

No comments:

Post a Comment