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Sunday, July 20, 2014

Letter #11: The Wealth of Stealth

July 20, 2014


Mr. David Sedaris
Little, Brown and Company
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY  10017


Dear Mr. Sedaris:

I recently uncovered an interesting coincidence.  My husband is a David Raymond, just like you.  I hope this information doesn't freak you out.  It shouldn't, really.  I think it's curious and kind of neat.  I'm quite fond of you both.

I met Dave seventeen years ago this past March, and we have a nice marriage. When I reflect on the actual amount of time we've been together, it blows my mind.  I can't believe it's been seventeen years.  In fairness, it feels more like three to five.  I guess that's mostly a good sign.  He is fun to be with, an interesting friend and satisfactory companion.

To a large extent, I think my husband is a much more decent human being than I am.  The first few times we were together, I stole money from his wallet when he was in the shower.  Not a lot, just a few dollars.  But still, it wasn't right.

Now that we're married, the rules are different.  I swipe money from him regularly, guilt-free.  He knows the pilfering occurs, and I have no intention of stopping.  I enjoy skimming a little off the top, here and there. It's not really theft, per se.  It's more like money laundering, only much simpler.  I am the financial sector.

These days, I'm on the lookout for loose change, mostly.  Quarters are my favorite, but I'll scoop up any combination of coins I come across.  It all adds up.  Singles come in handy.  I like fives, too.  Bigger bills are more difficult to confiscate without raising some eyebrows.  But if there's a wallet left on the kitchen counter and no one's around, I'll certainly give it a go!

I have this small canister in my bathroom drawer.  It came with a Chinese moon cake in it, which is a dessert that behaves like a side dish.  I think it's the bean paste that throws everything off.  It tastes weird but is delicious.  Anyway, this container is officially known as the Stealing Fund.  That's where the money goes first, right after I swipe it.  The Stealing Fund is like an ATM - quick cash, fast. Only it's located here in the house, and I control all economic activity.  When the cash starts adding up to more substantial sums, I make transfers to a flowerpot that I keep on a high shelf in the china closet.

Occasionally, I'll refer to my private account to take us out to dinner.  But not often.  My husband has his own dough, and I prefer we use that.  Once I stole almost enough money to buy us a big, white dog.  The kind of puppy we wanted cost $900, so I embezzled vigorously for six months.  When I got to $655, Dave chipped in the rest.  I told you he was decent.  We had Daisy Dog for a good long time.  She was truly a darling beast.
My husband will occasionally drum up the nerve to approach me for a loan.  He likes to leave a reasonable tip when we go to restaurants.  These requests come at a hefty price.  Borrow ten and pay back twenty.  That's the going rate.  Hey, a girl's gotta eat.  And just this morning, the kids and I were discussing the possibility of getting another dog.

Hope you are enjoying your Summer.

Affectionately yours,


Mary Killian

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