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Friday, May 23, 2014

Letter #6: Arroz Malo

May 23, 2014



Mr. David Sedaris
Little, Brown and Company
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY  10017


Dear Mr. Sedaris:

The dish I prepared for Cooking Club last evening was a total disaster.  I almost didn't go.  But I absolutely adore Cooking Club!  It's kind of like a delicious, laid-back house wedding where the bride and groom don't show up and nobody even cares. It's all food and friendly fun.

This month's theme was Mexican Cuisine.  I chose a relatively straightforward recipe.  Rice.
How can Mary possibly fuck that up?  you might be asking yourself.
I have no answer for you.  All I know is I took a wrong turn in the pantry and led some innocent vegetables down a very dark and dreary road.

Mexican Rice sounded so simple that I even chose to put the casserole together on my own.  Usually, Dave lends a hand on Cooking Club nights.  With his background in computer programming and an analytical approach to most activities, he positively excels at chopping and measuring.

I'm not even sure what happened.  I followed the directions exactly like I was supposed to.  Maybe that was the problem.  The ingredients died of boredom, right there on the stove.  My children suggested I bring my pot of gruel to the party with me and let folks decide for themselves.
"Teeny, you've just gotta try this!   Otherwise, you'll never believe what a shitty job I did."

Nobody in their right mind would ever willingly eat what happened in my kitchen yesterday.  Perhaps if we drove my rice into the jungle until we came upon a jail where they starve the inmates and punish their indiscretions by forcing them to consume large bowls of disgusting food.  Nah, probably not.

Even in jail, my sinister version of this popular side dish would be a hard sell.  If it were me, I'd sooner chew through those ropes and take my chances with the guards.

It's a good idea if we get David to cook when you come for a visit.  He's much better at it than I am.  And if you insist on having rice, let's just head over to Taco Bell. They really know what they're doing.

Yours truly,


Mary Killian

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