Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Letter #1: Our Mutually Fond Association

April 16, 2014

Mr. David Sedaris
Little, Brown and Company
237 Park Avenue
New York, NY  10017

Dear Mr. Sedaris:

The other night, I had a dream that you and I were enjoying a meal together at a McAlister's Deli near my house.  I ordered the baked potato covered with cheese. You chose soup and a sandwich.  You asked if I wanted to try any of your food when the waiter brought us our meals.  I said "No, thank you," to be polite, even though the bisque did look delicious.  The only utensil I had during the dream was a fork, and I thought it best to not go stabbing through your soup like an animal.  Clearly, our relationship was one I valued in my subconscious mind, as I would in real life. It doesn't bother my husband when I eat stuff from his plate, but we've been a couple for a number of years now.  I behave differently with friends.  I'm generally much more cordial.

After lunch, we walked over to Rite Aid where I bought several greeting cards.  I like to buy them a few days in advance, so I don't forget any special occasions.  You picked out the singing hamburger and suggested I mail it to you on your birthday. You opened and closed the card several times so the sandwich would sing to you.

"This hamburger is hilarious," you said.

I wished it was your birthday right then, so I could send it immediately.

When I woke up, I was disappointed that we aren't friends yet.  It seems a shame, really.  I am so much fun, and I have a feeling you'd agree.  I decided right then that unless I make the preliminary overture, we will probably never meet. Although unlikely that we could visit often given the fact that you live in
England and I am in Charlotte, I am confident that we can still develop a mutually fond association.

I looked up your birthday on Wikipedia and jotted it down in my calendar.  I have to make sure that I find that musical hamburger card before December.  Not all the stores have it.  My youngest boy, Rory seems to know exactly where to find it in Target.  He has his finger on the pulse of all things annoying. I mean, extraordinary.  I'll be certain to consult him when the time comes to purchase your gift.  He's a very big help.

Do you have any bunny slippers?  Over the years, I've acquired quite a few pairs for folks I care about. They've always been met with squeals of delight.  If you like this idea, forward me your shoe size.  I have a great resource for this kind of footwear. The rabbit faces look very sincere and the backs of the slippers sport little cottontails.  It's a very nice touch that you don't find just anywhere.

All I ask is that you forget we had this conversation, so you'll be surprised when you receive them.

I've enclosed my full name and address.  Talk to you soon.

Yours truly,


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