Saturday, January 4, 2014

Queen For A Day!

Last night, I dreamt that I was looking for work in the Royal Kingdom.  As luck would have it, three openings were available, right in Buckingham Palace:  Lady-in-Waiting, Privy Chamber Secretary and Mistress of the Robes.  I doctored up my resume to highlight my impressive customer service skills and chose a conservative interview suit with daunting shoulder pads from the Spandau Ballet Dream Closet Collection, circa 1984.  I slipped on some practical flats and set out on a nice leisurely stroll over to the castle.

Her Majesty took a shine to me right away.  Insane with natural confidence and the warmth of her barely visible smile, I secured all three positions without even so much as a typing test.  Elizabeth and I made a really good team.  Together, we took splashy trips abroad, visited children's hospitals and attended ribbon-cutting ceremonies for chocolate shops and new Starbucks locations all across Great Britain.

I quickly proved myself a terrific royal companion and excellent personal chauffeur, as the Queen often forgot where she parked and seldom drove at night. She misplaced the royal pocketbook during a party at Bono's house, and I found it under a pile of coats in the guest bedroom.  I carefully applied nail polish to a run in her support hose when she kicked her shoes off for the Electric Slide.  The poor darling misplaced her handbag again when we stopped at Spud-U-Like for a late night baked potato.  This time, it was in the men's room.  Relax, it's not what you think.

When I was off the clock, Her Royal Highness and I still hung out together.  We went to the Olive Garden for endless breadsticks.  We donated all of Prince Philip's ascots to Good Will and bought him some tagless hoodies.  I encouraged her to take up scrapbooking.  Sure, I think it's stupid but at least it kept her off the computer.  We watched X Factor and folded laundry - Total girl time!

Lilibet and I became quite close during the time of my dream employment.  She shared many intimate details about her very private life, and I grew to love her dearly.  With tears in her eyes, she confided in me her growing concern that she couldn't stop buying Marie Osmond dolls on QVC.  "No one needs this many poppets!" she sobbed into her pillow.

I never grew weary of answering "Of course not!" whenever she asked me if certain coins or stamps made her look fat.  I kept Her Majesty entertained with stories and photos of the boys, doing things I wish they wouldn't.  Her grandchildren seemed a bit stiff, and I never seem to run out of material.

Like always when I woke up, I thought about my dream. If I were Queen, I'd probably do a crummy job. Running a country is a big responsibility, and it's gotta be lonely at the top. Shaping good citizens, guiding royal subjects toward their inevitable goals, being met with resistance and unrest upon every decision - it seems exhausting.  Wait a minute - it sounds just like Christmas vacation.  Thank God for school on Monday!

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