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Friday, November 29, 2013

The Pants of Least Resistance


Thank God for fat pants!  I'm so happy to be wearing them right now.  I put away a ton of Thanksgiving stuffing yesterday, and I'm looking forward to some delicious leftovers this evening.  I don't want anything to discourage me from eating everything that seems like a good idea this weekend.  We still have so much ham!

I'm also breaking in a backup pair that should be ready by Christmas.  The holidays are right around the corner.  Physical discomfort due to overeating and its subsequent self-loathing can last for several days.  I want to be clean and comfortable when I try to sit on the floor and open my presents next month.

Just in case you're wondering, my fat pants are jeans.  I'm not a total animal.  They close with a zipper, which makes me feel more civilized.  Oh, I have elastic fat pants.  I call them workout clothes.  I rarely make it to the gym when I wear them.  But they sure are forgiving when I tie on a feedbag at the diner.

When I was a teenager, I wore my jeans as if they'd been surgically grafted onto my skin.  That was the style!  Think sausage casing.  I'd lay down on my bed, take a deep breath and squeeze everything in with all my strength.  I started carrying a small needlenose pliers with me wherever I went.  Just in case I had to use a public bathroom, and my zipper was uncooperative once I peed.  I just carried it.  In my hand. Nothing could fit in my pockets.  The contents of my pants were already stretched beyond capacity.

I read an article recently that suggested it's dangerous to wear trousers that are too tight.  Back pain, fainting, blurred vision.  These are serious health problems.  I wouldn't experience any of these difficulties if I stayed in my nightgown all day, but sometimes I need to go out.  I have kids.

Fortunately, today is a vacation day and I'm spending it in my fat pants.  Until it's time to put my pajamas back on.

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